A Date With a Homophobe and a Mute

Waking up in my bed on the night train to look out the window and see Vienna, Austria was a sight I will never forget. So far each country we have been to on this trip, I have been to before when I was younger. I have never been to Austria before so when we got off the train It felt like I was seeing snow for the first time. We got to our hostel, which is GORGEOUS. It is on the top of a hill that overlooks the entire city and we have an ice skating rink! After we threw our stuff down, I felt the need to put braids in my hair (to get into the Austrian spirit?) before we took off to wander the city. As soon as we got to the centre of town, we went to the Stephansdom church which is an amazing building right in the middle of the city. We have slightly overdone the museums and sight-seeing, so we decided to skip out on going inside and just walked around instead. While walking around a man in a big red cape came up to us to try and sell us tickets to a Mozart concert complete with opera and ballet. We were intrigued and let him give us his clearly memorized speech. When he was done he said he would give us front row tickets for 55 euro each. We laughed and started to walk away. Before we got too far he quickly came after us and offered to give us two for the price of one. We agreed. As he was giving us the tickets, he asked us (in very broken English) if we wanted to meet him for coffee after the show. Neither one of us is very good at lying on the spot, so we just sort of smiled and giggled for a few minutes before he told us he would meet us at the subway station across the street from the venue which the concert was being held at. We really couldn’t say anything to him at this point because a) he just sold us the tickets so he knew we would be lying if we said we already had plans, and b) he probably wouldn’t have understood anything we said to him that didn’t involve simple English like, “hello, I have a dog.” After we left with our tickets Kimmy and I looked at each other and almost in unison said “that’s not happening”.

We walked around for the rest of the day under Vienna’s Christmas lights and taking in the atmosphere. It really is a beautiful city and I felt very familiar with it even on my first day there. We went back to our hostel to get dressed up for the first time since leaving home and it was a miracle either of us ended up looking the way we did since neither of us has brushed our hair in a month because we both forgot to pack brushes (knotted hair is like, totally in style these days, duh!). We went to the concert hall (which is where Mozart had his first public appearance) and enjoyed two hours of classical music, ballet and opera. I must say, I felt very grown up (and even more so because I actually enjoyed it!) It was an amazing evening and we had such a good time… until…

We realized that in order to get home, we needed to go to the subway station which our friend in the red cape said he would meet us at. I noticed that the show got out a half hour later than it was supposed to so we had high hopes that he would have forgotten about us by then. Just to be safe, we did a couple of “walk-bys” past the door to the station to have a quick peek in to see if he was waiting for us. No sign of red-caped man. Kimmy opened the door to the station and I pulled a James Bond and did a 180 with my imaginary gun and jumped through the door to see an empty station. Phew. He forgot about us. We weren’t out of the woods yet though, so we literally clung to each other as we tip-toed down the stairs to the tracks and we were actually jumpy whenever someone would turn the corner. While we were on the tracks waiting for the train we did a little victory dance because we were finally out of the woods. We wouldn’t have to make awkward conversation in broken English and German and we wouldn’t have to be scared by every stranger walking towards us. Hooray! And then it happened… The tap on my shoulder which I will have nightmares about for months. I heard a man attempting to say my name with a very thick accent. I ignored it and kept looking straight ahead. I heard it again. And I ignored it again. Then he said, “Kim?” We didn’t stand a chance at that point. We acknowledged his presence and he said, “do you remember me?” I said, “vaguely, we met a lot of people today” (this was the line that has made us randomly break out into hysterics all day today). At this point he motioned for his friend to come over and join us who had been standing about 15 feet away just staring at us while I attempted to morph myself into a bird so I could fly away. Just then the train came and we jumped on it… and they followed. We told them we hadn’t yet eaten dinner so we were going to say no to their kind offer for coffee, and we were going to get something to eat. They said they knew a great place for great beer so we should go with them there. “No, no. FOOD not BEER, we are hungry girls”. He replied, “Ah, yes, food. Drink few beers, you won’t be hungry anymore”. This is when I resorted to trying to hype up my cough and cold. I had been able to keep my cough to a minimum during the concert, and I was feeling pretty good, but desperate times call for desperate measures and I forced a few coughs to show them what a poor sick little girl I was and that I was not well enough for a night out. They acknowledged my cough, and then said “bar this way, follow me”. What gentlemen. We all sat down at a table and Kimmy and I ordered food and tried to make awkward conversation with one of these guys (only one could speak English, the other just stared at me. Literally. Just sat and stared at me. He didn’t say a single word, didn’t order food, didn’t attempt to listen to his wingman talking to Kimmy and I. He just sat and stared). At this point my fake cough turned into my real cough and I was literally miserable. I couldn’t even open my mouth to speak because I would end up coughing instead (that’s Karma for you I guess).

So here are the characters sitting at this table in Vienna:

Creepy Man #1 – 28 year old studying Business in Vienna who hates gay people (that should have been our signal to pretend we were lesbians so they would go away) and loves movies.

Creepy Man #2 – Man who sells concert tickets by wearing a red cape. He doesn’t speak English and likes to stare at me.

Joanna (no middle name) Nettelfield – Incapable of holding a broken conversation because of a cough, which is ruining her life.

Kimberly Kelly Spencer– Stuffs her face with French fries and attempts to humor Creepy Man #1 by asking him what time the subway stops running in Vienna.

When we finished eating they had a little secret conversation in German and then asked us if we wanted to go dancing. You have GOT to be kidding me guys! I’m sitting in front of you literally dying, nobody has said a word to each other in 4 minutes and 27 seconds, and Creepy Man #2 hasn’t blinked since the subway. No we don’t want to go dancing, and no I don’t want to give you my real email address, but, here, take this fake one (you really aren’t getting my real email address especially since you asked us out for a coffee but forced us to sit in a smoky bar instead while I can’t even enjoy my food because of a certain someone who doesn’t know that it’s impolite to stare!). But thank you Creepy Man #1 & #2. You have given us a night that we will never forget, even though we have already forgotten your names.