Sex, Drugs and… More Sex

Oh Lord. Where to begin? Well, we arrived in Amsterdam at around 7pm on Friday night. First thing we did was shower off the depression which consumed us from Berlin, and then we ventured out of our cute/quirky hostel and into the cold Amsterdam night for dinner. Kimmy and I both had some sort of American bug hit us, so when we saw a sports bar playing a real American football game, we were sold (they were also playing the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Ribs + Beer + Football + Victoria’s Secret fashion show = my idea of heaven). With my face full of barbeque sauce and my American craving fixed, we were about to get up to leave when we attracted the attention of another two guys (I swear we are a magnet for cute guys and their wingmen. Unfortunately I end up entertaining the annoying wing man all night while coughing up a lung in their face trying to scare them off). Obviously I have nicknamed these two as well, and these two particular guys were named “cute, funny Dutch boy” and “annoying, old banker”. Guess who I got? I endured about an hour of this man talking about the bank he worked for, his favorite places to travel, and why he detests facebook so much. When I finally had enough and hinted towards running far away from these guys, annoying old banker asked me if I would like to be his friend on facebook. Sorry, but you just spent the better part of the last hour (which I will never get back again) talking about how you think facebook is impersonal and then described to me what the 3 pictures you were tagged in looked like, so you do not get the pleasure of being my facebook friend.

The next day we planned to take a free walking tour of Amsterdam. We really didn’t have a plan of anything specific to see while we were there, so we thought we would take the tour of the small city and see it all in 4 hours. We had a great tour guide who showed us all of the historic sights including the old church, the new church, and the south church (the Dutch may be great businessmen, but they are about as creative as the painter of a white room). We saw coffee shops every 20 feet, gorgeous little canals, very sweet little houses and we briefly went through the red light district and got our first taste of the “ladies of the night” (which happened to be the “ladies of the afternoon” at that hour). Going into Amsterdam I had done no research, and had no expectations what-so-ever of the city. I vaguely knew what the city was about, but I really didn’t know what I was getting myself into. For those of you like me, the “Ladies of the Night” are women who stand in the windows of buildings wearing little or no clothing, taunting men to come inside where they will charge for their services. What kind of services you ask? Go to Amsterdam and find out. Our tour guide told us all about how the red light district came to be.

Quick Lesson: The red light district is as old as Amsterdam. Way back when (to a date I can’t remember) the sailors would come back to land after months or years and would crave a woman’s attention. These men would go after women like a dog to steak on the ground, and the “pure women” of the city were being corrupted. Some women therefore sacrificed themselves and offered themselves as the women whom men could seek out when returning to land. They started charging for their services and that is how the red light district came to be. One more fun fact for you: There are a lot of churches in the red light district. That is because after the Catholic sailors would have their way with the women, they would realize they sinned, and run off to confession at the church where the priests would charge the men to be absolved of their sins. Convenient huh?

Okay back to more exciting things. After our day tour, we went back to our hostel to shower quickly and get ready for our next tour, a guided walk through the red light district. We decided that we got a taste of the district during the day, but this tour was supposed to take us all throughout the streets and give us more information about the girls, how the whole pimp/prostitute relationship works, the sex shops, and the sex shows (how’s that for an educational experience?!). After this second tour we knew more about the red light district than I ever thought I would care to know. We met some friends on the tour with us (and no homophobes, mutes, lame-o’s or old annoying bankers!!!!!) so we all decided to continue walking through the district to really see how it worked at night. Because we went on the tour, we were given a discount if we wanted to go see a show. What kind of show you ask?

Mom and Dad, best if you stop reading now…

We went to a sex show at the Moulin Rouge. Everyone who knows me, knows how squirmish I get at the thought of porn, and how I have prided myself in the fact that I made it through college without ever seeing one. I guess the only way to break that streak is to see one live. When in Amsterdam, right? To spare you the details of what made me gag, I’ll allow you to use your imagination as to what each of the following props were used for: a banana (which I will never eat again), a pen (writing now makes me gag), and a string (quite like the one a magician puts up his sleeve and then pulls and pulls and pulls… only this one wasn’t up her sleeve). Then came the grand finale. The “home run” if you will. No longer can I be the only person in a room who has never seen porn, because there it was. Live.

Mom and Dad, you can start reading again.

Waking up the next morning I was still giggling and blushing at what we had seen the night before, and I needed to do something to take the image of cowboy boots out of my head. We headed to the Anne Frank house for something a bit more educational than what was offered at the Moulin Rouge. After the Anne Frank house we were again depressed after a few hours reading more about the holocaust. Amsterdam only does extremes I guess. We needed something in the middle. Something educational, but fun. The answer to our prayers: The Heineken brewery! We learned all about how beer was made. The history of Mr. Heineken himself, and even went on a ride in which we were actually brewed into a beer! It is a very interactive museum, so there were loads of buttons for us to push, and videos to watch which made for a really fun, relaxed evening. So far Amsterdam had gotten the best of us, so we were ready for a quiet night in. After dinner we went back and got an early and good nights sleep. On our last morning, we woke up and found a cute little park, which we went to and played on a swing set for about an hour (like you would have expected anything less from Kimmy and Joanna?). We walked around the streets a bit more and Kimmy finally bought the pair of European boots she was searching for since day 1 in London. It was time to say goodbye to Amsterdam, and we bid it farewell with a toast before our completely uneventful train ride to Paris (or something like that…).